


Barbara Gordon's Hot Date

by Baz



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman (Movies 1989-1997), Batman - All Media Types, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Batman: Arkham - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 19:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12416061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baz/pseuds/Baz
Summary: Barbara Gordon has a hot date with a man called Richie, an old high School chum.However, Dick Grayson is not happy about this. How will he cope?





	Barbara Gordon's Hot Date

BARBARA GORDON’S HOT DATE

 

“You’re late AGAIN!” barked the boss.

 

“I’m sorry, sir,” panicked Richie. “It won’t happen again.”

 

“That’s what you said LAST TIME!” barked the boss. “Now if you’re late AGAIN, you will be finished. And you’ll have to find yourself ANOTHER job! Now, make yourself useful and get to work!”

 

“Yes sir…….,” said a defeated Richie.

 

Richie Ummond had always had a reputation of being late. Whether he overslept, or forgot to go to work, he was ALWAYS late! He had to wise up.

 

Fortunately for him at the day in the office, it was his lucky day.

 

He sat there glumly at his cubicle, when a man approached him.

 

“Mr Ummond,” he greeted. “Heard you were feeling blue and I have the cure.”

 

Richie looked at him confused.

 

“Er, do I know you?” he asked the man.

 

“Are you familiar with Barbara Gordon?” asked the man.

 

Richie had been to Highschool with Barbara.

 

“Yeah, the Commissioner's daughter,” he replied to the man.

 

“Well, she is a pretty girl and she is single,” continued the man. “I invite you two to my extravaganza.”

 

He handed Richie an invitation.

 

“And Richie………. Don’t be late………”

 

The man walked away and Richie thought about what just happened.

  
  
  
  
  


That evening, he went home and got out the phone book. He hadn’t spoken to Barbara in a while.

 

He dialed her.

 

“Hello, Barbara?”

 

“Richie Ummond?” asked Babs.

 

They talked for a bit and then Richie got to the big news.

 

“A man just invited me and a date of my choice to the hot new nightclub in Gotham, Wanna come with me?”

 

There was a pause, and then….

 

“Yeah, sure,” answered Barbara.

 

“Great, see ya then!” said an excited Richie. “I’ll pick you up at 7 tomorrow.”

  
  
  
  


Barbara was over the moon. Work had been slow for Batgirl. Crime hadn’t hit the streets for months. It was boring. At last she had something to do.

  
  
  
  
  
  


In the batcave, Barbara was talking to Dick who had just come back from his mission.

 

“Got a hot date tomorrow night,” she teased.

 

“With some Channing Tatum look alike,” replied Dick.

 

“No, just a guy from High school,” said Barbara.

 

“Oh,” said a surprised Dick.

 

There was silence.

 

“Who is he?” asked Dick.

 

“A guy called Richie Ummond,” answered Barbara. “Y’know, the boy who always showed up late to school.”

 

There was more silence.

 

“You okay, Dick?” asked Barbara.

 

“Yeah, he’s quite the catch,” Dick answered sarcastically. “Ladies, if you like your men geeky and always late, don’t bother.”

 

“You don’t like him?” asked Barbara.

 

“He’s okay,” replied Dick.

 

“But?” asked Barbara.

 

“I dunno………..,” replied Dick trying to think of an answer. “Anyway, where are you two going?”

 

“We got an invite to a new nightclub,” said Barbara. “He invited me.”

 

“You sure it ain’t a prank?” asked Dick.

 

“Yeah, if Ashton Kutcher jumps out, I’ll sucker punch him,” said Barbara. “I’ll be fine. I gotta go.”

 

Barbara left and Dick looked at her.

 

“Going to try on a thousand dresses until you pick on you’ll actually like?” asked Dick. “You women!”

 

Barbara gave him the finger as she left the Batcave.

 

Dick smiled, but it very quickly faded away.

  
  
  


They had always been close friends and even made love once in awhile. Dick tried to shake it off, but it kept bothering him. He loved Barbara…….. In a friendly way………. Or did he? He had trouble sleeping that night. And when he woke up, he felt a bit down.

  
  
  
  


That night at 7, Richie managed to pick Barbara up on time. Babs was dressed in a sexy small black dress and Richie was in a tux.

 

“Hello, Mr Bond,” Babs greeted Richie.

 

“Which one?” asked Richie.

 

“George Lazenby,” answered Barbara.

 

They both laughed.

 

“Hey, I’m a Connery man,” replied Richie.

 

“Who’s your favourite Bond girl?” asked Barbara.

 

“Sophie Marceau was just…….. That torture scene in The World Is Not Enough,” swooned Richie.

 

“Kinky,” replied Barbara.

 

“It’s her legs,” said Richie. “And of course, Eva Green.”

 

He purred like a tiger as he started the car.

  
  
  
  
  


He drove to the new nightclub. There was a red carpet and Paparazzi there. Richie let Barbara out of the car and they walked up to the doors.

 

Barbara looked up and saw the sign.

 

“RABBIT’S HOLE”.

 

However, some vandal graffitied “ASS” between “RABBIT’S” and “HOLE”.

 

When they entered the building, it was massive. There were 100 guests all dressed in a sort of Victorian like outfits. Women all wore frocks and they men were dressed like fops. Barbara and Richie stuck out like sore thumbs.

 

“God, I didn’t know it was going to be THAT fancy!” said Richie.

 

Barbara looked around and saw that the entire place was decorated by plants. Green everywhere.

 

But it was then, she noticed something.

 

The guests not dressed in frocks and as fops.

 

One of them was……..

 

“Harley?” asked Barbara.

 

That’s right.

 

There was Harley Quinn, dressed in a red and black dress. She was joined by the Joker, dressed in a purple fop like outfit. Poison Ivy was not far away, dressed a green dress.

 

Barbara looked around more.

 

She saw Two Face, Edward Nygma, Dr Crane and even Selina Kyle!

 

Barbara looked at Richie, who was as shocked as she was.

 

“I swear I didn’t know they’d be here!” explained Richie.

 

“We have to get the hell outta here!” said Barbara as she began to make it to the door.

 

But it was closed.

 

And locked.

 

The music stopped and everyone looked at Barbara and Richie.

 

Then a man in a similar suit and massive hat arrived at the top of the stairs.

 

It was of course, The Mad Hatter.

 

“Ah, I see our guest of honour has arrived,” he began. “That’s a seductive little number you’re wearing. Ladies and Gentlemen, daughter of Commissioner Gordon, Barbara Gordon.”

 

Everyone applauded and Barbara looked at everyone.

 

“Bring them to me,” said the Hatter.

 

Two men grabbed Barbara and Richie and brought them upstairs to the Hatter.

 

He of course brought them to a very long table. The men put Barbara in a chair at one end and the Hatter sat at the other end. Joker, Harley, Ivy, Nygma, Two Face, Selina and Crane joined in.

 

“Tea, anyone?” asked the Hatter.

 

“Tea? What are we, British?” asked Harley. “Do we have bad teeth? Coffee all the way.”

 

“Ugh, you’re such an American,” said the Hatter.

 

“How about an Irish coffee?” asked the Joker.

 

“Alright then,” said the Hatter as he began to pour whiskey into the coffee and gave two cups of it to Harley and Joker.

 

“Now, lovely Barbara Gordon,” the Hatter said to his guest of honour.

 

“Still kidnapping girls called Alice?” asked Barbara.

 

“Let me explain,” said the Hatter. “Tonight is a very special night. As you know, everybody in Gotham represents a character in Alice in Wonderland; Harley, you represent the Queen of Hearts. Always dressed in diamonds and you decapitated someone 2 weeks ago.”

 

“That was soooooooo funny!” laughed Harley.

 

“Joker, you represent the classic Joker on cards,” continued the Hatter.

 

“Mmm,” said the Joker. He liked that representation.

 

“Ivy, you represent the flowers trying to kill Alice,” continued the Hatter. “By the way, thank you very much for creating this paradise by the way.”

 

“You’re welcome,” replied Ivy.

 

“And for growing your own drugs,” said Harley as she snorted some cocaine.

 

Ivy was also a drug cartel, she grew her own marijuana, cocaine plants and poppies.

 

Barbara looked at a rather stoned Selina Kyle.

 

“She represents of course, the Cheshire Cat,” said the Hatter. “Is she good? Bad? Nobody knows.”

 

“What’s up with her?” asked Barbara.

 

“You even seen Trainspotting?” asked Ivy.

 

Barbara looked at Selina who was stoned and drooling.

 

“Two Face, you represent Tweedledee and Tweedledum,” said the Hatter. “Two people who are the same, yet they argue a lot.”

 

“Hmm,” said Two Face.

 

“Dr Crane, you represent the caterpillar,” said the Hatter.

 

“The smoke?” asked Crane.

 

“Yes,” answered the Hatter. “Edward Nygma, you represent the Hare. Because you’re just as mad as I am.”

 

Nygma gave a weak smile. Everyone noticed that he was a little depressed.

 

“What’s up with Edward?” asked Harley.

 

“You’ll find out later,” replied Nygma.

 

“Richie, you represent the white rabbit,” said the Hatter. “Always late, but not for an important date.”

 

“And finally, you Barbara……..,” began the Hatter.

 

“Alice! I know!” cried Barbara.

 

The Hatter finished his tea.

 

“Come everyone and let’s get our Alice prepared for the arena.”

 

“The Arena?” asked Barbara.

 

Two men grabbed Barbara by the arms and pulled her out of her seat.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In an armoury, they dressed Barbara in a sort of knight’s armour. And they gave her a sword and shield.

 

Barbara was confused. What the hell was going on.

 

Then the two men brought Barbara to the arena. It was a sort of Gladiator like stadium. All the guests including the villains are all there in their seats.

 

Richie was terrified for Barbara.

 

The Hatter had his microphone.

 

“Let the battle begin. Alice Vs The Jabberwocky!”

 

Everyone cheered as the door lifted open and in walked a monstrous sight.

 

Everyone saw what appeared to be………. A Jabberwocky. A sort of dragon like creature about 10 feet tall. Everyone looked at it in shock.

 

“Hatter, where the fuck did you get this thing?” asked Harley. “And where could I get one?”

 

The Hatter tapped his nose.

 

Barbara stared up at the creature in horror. The creature launched his tail at her and she dodged. The creature threw its tail again. Barbara once again dodged.

 

 _How am I gonna fight this thing?_ She thought herself.

 

The creature threw its tail again and the tip of it hit a pipe. A small hole appeared on it and water began to leak out. The creature yelped a little.

 

Barbara thought to herself, _Maybe it’s scared of water._

 

She ran over and using her shield, bashed the end of it onto the hole of the pipe and it got bigger and bigger.

 

Soon, she bashed it so hard, that water sprayed out and hit the Jabberwocky. It howled and then……….. It began to melt.

 

It started to turn into a gloopy substance and became what eventually looked like…….. Clay.

 

The Jabberwocky was Clayface.

 

“Oh crap, not again!” he groaned as he sludged his way out of the arena.

 

Barbara looked up at the Hatter. He applauded.

 

“Very good, Miss Gordon,” he said on the mic. “And since you defeated a big monster, surely you can defeat about 100 people.”

 

All the guests got off their seats and climbed over the walls and into the arena. All 100 of them faced Barbara.

 

Just then……….. SMASH! The ceiling glass burst open and down from a rope slid Batman, Robin, Nightwing and the Flash. Flying down to join were Superman and Wonder Woman.

 

The Hatter was overjoyed.

 

“Lovely,” he said. “Batman represents the Knight, Superman the king, Wonder Woman the Queen, The Flash as the Rook, Robin the pawn and Nightwing the bishop.”

 

“We were invited too,” Batman told Barbara.

 

“Why?” Barbara asked The Hatter.

 

“You’ll see,” he said.

 

“Enough, yapping! FIGHT!” cried a crazy guest.

 

They all ran over and began to fight our heroes. But they got their asses handed to them in no time at all.

 

Superman just stood here and as each guest hit him, they were in pain.

 

Wonder Woman used her rope to fight, The Flash zoomed around the guests, Batman, Nightwing, Barbara and Robin fought everyone off.

 

“Nice armour,” Nightwing said to Barbara. “But are the nipples necessary?”

 

Barbara looked down and saw that her armour did indeed have nipples on them. She groaned in disgust.

 

Joker, Harley, Ivy, Two Face, Crane, Nygma and Selina just sat there and watched the fight.

 

“If we do join in, we’ll be sent to Arkham,” said the Joker.

 

Soon, all the guests were defeated. They laid on the floor, unconscious.

 

Batman look up at the Hatter.

 

“You’ll be the one going to Arkham, Hatter.”

 

But then the Hatter pulled out what appeared to be a pill from his pocket.

 

“Good Lord, that’s a Cyanide pill,” said Superman.

 

“You’re gonna kill yourself?” The Flash asked the Hatter.

 

“Yes he is,” said Nygma.

 

Everyone saw that he was in tears. The Hatter had been a good friend to Nygma and now it was all coming to an end.

 

“Edward, we talked about this,” said the Hatter. “I have nothing to live for. My mission is complete.”

 

“Mission?” asked Robin.

 

“For months, I planned for this,” began the Hatter. “I know you people think that I’m just a man who obsesses over Alice in Wonderland and nothing else. Well, so be it. I have found every character in that book, well representations of them.”

 

He looked at Harley, Joker, Two Face, Crane and Ivy, who were all stunned by this news.

 

“And now my work here is done,” he said as he pulled out a remote control and pressed a button.

 

A glass case came down and sealed him inside.

 

“I’ve trapped myself in here, so you won’t stop me,” he said.

 

Superman flew up and went beside the case. He punched it and it didn’t even make a crack.

 

The Hatter looked at him with tears in his eyes. He lip also began to quiver.

 

“Ah, Kal-El,” he said. “We finally meet. And the rest of the League, good evening to you all.”

 

The League all look up at the Hatter in glass case.

 

This was truly a shocking and very emotional moment for everyone. But most of for the villains.

 

Nygma couldn’t take it anymore.

 

“JARVIS, YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!” he cried with tears rolling down his cheeks. “PLEASE, LET YOURSELF OUT AND THROW AWAY THE PILL!”

 

The Hatter looked at his friend. Then he closes his teary eyes and sighed.

 

“I’ll miss you, Edward,” he said with a smile.

 

Then he pressed another button on the remote.

 

“So long, Farewell,” began to play on speakers.

 

“A little cheesey, I know,” said a very teary Hatter.

 

More tears were shed from everyone as the song played:

 

So long, farewell

Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye

 

I leave and heave

A sigh and say goodbye

Goodbye

 

I'm glad to go

I cannot tell a lie

 

I flit, I float

I fleetly flee, I fly

 

The sun has gone

To bed and so must I

So long, farewell

Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

 

The Hatter gave one last tearful look at everyone……….

 

And then…………

 

A swallowed the pill.

 

“Victory,” he said.

 

Then he sat down……..

 

Close his eyes……….

 

………………………………………….. And was gone.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Nygma walked up to the case and began to sob.

 

“Goodbye, Jarvis..”

 

The League just stood there heartbroken.

 

But even more heartbroken, were the villains.

 

The Joker hugged a sobbing Harley.

 

Ivy sat there with her hand on her face as tear rolled down.

 

Two Face and Crane just sat there reviewing what just happened.

 

Despite being stoned, Selina saw what happened.

 

“Goodbye, Mr Tesch,” said Batman.

 

Then everyone began to leave the building.

  
  
  
  
  


A very sad Batman, Robin, Nightwing and Barbara went back to the Batmobile. As they got inside, they were met by a very sad Joker and Harley.

 

“Another time, Batsy,” said the tearful Joker.

 

“Next time, clown, replied the Dark Knight.

 

Then the Joker and Harley walked back to their car.

  
  
  
  
  


In the Batcave, Bruce sat there staring at the rocks. Into nothingness, depressed.

 

Barbara, Dick and Tim watched him.

 

Then Barbara’s Smartphone rang. It was Richie.

 

“Listen, I’m sorry,” he said. “I had no idea that all the……”

 

“That’s okay,” replied Barbara.

 

“You must hate me,” said Richie.

 

“No,” said Barbara. “You’re actually kinda cool.”

 

“Do you wanna try again?” asked Richie.

 

“Maybe the movies?” said Barbara.

 

“Okay,” said Richie.

  
  


The sad Dick Grayson looked at Barbara and just smiled.

 

What will the future hold for him.

 

Only time will tell.

  
  
  
  


At the Hatter’s funeral, the Joker, Harley, Ivy, Crane, Two Face and Nygma all showed up. They looked at the Hatter’s coffin.

 

“Thank you, Hatter, for the best damn party that Gotham ever had, period!” announced the Joker.

 

“Here, here!” announced everyone else.

 

“He’s in Wonderland now,” said Nygma, teary and smiling.

  
  


THE END

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
